I feel this often when i am depressed, am i really trans, or is this a fetish i want to show the world

So i have been openly/closeted trans now for like a year at this point, and well i have just a huge infatation with femmine (even before trans), but i have also started to accept more of the idea of being with masculine people, now the issue i have encountered i guess to say is that im nervous to have this relationship, i was chatting pretty nicely with this one fella, but i never really wanted to meet face to face, then on my vacation i had bumped into a guy, he carried me along for 20 mins then i kind of left him (later on i found out he was an actor, which im kinda salty about), but yeah like i said, dont really know where i am going with this post