It feels like I'm only ever posting here to complain about something. Which is probably fine. That's what most all of social media is. Having a medium to vent frustrations. (I guess this site pulls double duty on that front.) Tonight isn't very different. I, again, feel like the cat is more affectionate than my wife.

I just spent 45 minutes trying to get my wife's attention by rubbing her shoulders, sitting close to her, looking her way to catch her eyes. She didn't look up from her damn phone game once. I'm sick of being ignored. It's not something I have a right to. Her body is hers, and she owes me nothing. But damn is this frustrating. Also, I have to try out whatever game she was playing. It's probably pretty addictive.

I was watching a show talking about a guy who uses an Ai chat bot because he doesn't feel emotionally supported by his wife. My wife made a dismissive comment. But I get it. I don't need a chat bot. I get enough connection with my wife. But I'm also starved for it enough I can imagine it being gone. (Sometimes it feels that way). I can understand being in love with someone and wanting to keep a commitment but needing more just to keep sane. And AI chat can fill a void without breaking the relationship. Isn't that just therapy? What's the difference between that and the mental health apps offered by my insurance plan at work?

It hurts to have proof you are less appealing to your significant other than mobile games on their cell phone.

My wife pointed out that my family tends to ask us to bring things like napkins to Thanksgiving instead of a side dish.

I made the mistake of wandering back to Instagram and Facebook for a couple weeks. Sometimes the sickly warmth of the echo chamber is soothing. But I was lucky to recognize how bad that crap is earlier this time. But giving that up is genuinely hard. The addiction is real. I had to use a moment of strength to delete the apps from my phone. Lucky thing for me there's nothing addictive on the Hub. Nope. No siree. Just signing in to the black background website half a dozen times a day, like a normal, healthy adult.

I keep checking the major headlines, hoping to see a particular obituary.

Another thing about these CPAPs, they cause a lot of health problems. The ones they solve are worse. Yes. Fine. That doesn't mean they don't cause other problems worth griping about. Is it better to have acne from the face mask than heart disease from the apnea? Duh. That doesn't mean I'm not pissed off by being a grown man with worse zits than when I was a teenager.

Trying to cuddle with someone who is under a gravity blanket is about as fun as trying to cuddle with someone who is under a gravity blanket. 😥

I'm due for a new cell phone. I've been shopping around, but I can't find one I'm excited to have. I used to be able to shop around and fall in love with a certain model or get excited for a new feature. There hasn't been anything to impress me for years. There are technical improvements or whatever. But nothing to get me feeling jazzed. I guess the fold-out screens are a little cool, but not enough to justify the double price. And smartphones are cooked into our society. And maybe that's why nothing new is happening. We've got to have one, so why should the manufacturers innovate? I can't come up with a reason for them to do that any more than I can find a new phone to be excited to own.

Here's one of the things about CPAPs: they make you look and feel unattractive.
Have you ever tried looking at yourself in the mirror or taking a selfie with your CPAP on? If not, don't ever. Spare yourself from that. I've done that plenty, and let me tell you, I was shook. And every now and then I'll think to myself, "I was probably exaggerating. It can't have been that bad." Nope. Every time, it was that bad. It doesn't get better. It feels like you’ve been cursed with ugliness by a wizard from a German fairy tale.
No one, and I mean *NO ONE* looks good wearing a CPAP mask. I checked. I tried finding models wearing CPAPs. There are none. There are pictures and videos the CPAP companies make to demo how to put a mask on. Most of the time for advertisements and stuff they use an animation. Like a non-descript wire frame face with the CPAP mask on. They know the human stock models putting on a CPAP in the instructional demos look terrible.
You know that old Rule of the Internet 34: If it exists, there is porn of it? Not for people wearing CPAPs! No one wants it. It couldn't be made without the content creators looking horrible. There is no porn of it. CPAPs are so ugly, they broke the most unbreakable rule of the internet!
And you are supposed to wear these things in front of your longterm romantic partners! Every night! For the rest of your life! How is your self esteem supposed to survive that?
That's one of the reasons I've found a lot of people don't like them, but in particular it's men who feel that way the strongest and keep completely silent about it. We don't say things like, "This makes me feel unpretty." But it hits deep! And the results are palpable. Starting to use a CPAP leads to a drop in physical intimacy, regardless of whether there really is a drop because of the CPAP or if the drop is due to other issues in their lives. Or if it's not that the partner finds them less attractive, but because they feel that way themselves and they internalize that feeling making themselves push away. It's vicious, dude.
And what's more, there's no way out of it! There's nothing to make the feeling get better. There are no articles in Men's Health Magazine titled "15 Tips and Tricks for Keeping your Sex Life Spicy while Wearing a CPAP". You just feel that way forever, and even though it doesn't get better, you succumb enough to get used to it.
Wearing a CPAP sucks. I typed this whole thing lying in bed while wearing mine, all while thinking, "I hope my cardiopulmonary system appreciates me wearing this thing, because this sucks!"